ZOIS Blog

December 26, 2013

A Busy Christmas on Universal Jobmatch

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: , — Martin Sullivan @ 1:52 pm

This was inspired by a Newspaper article about how busy various government web-sites got during the festive period. And a single Twitter tweet. So, Seasons Greetings from the curator of these things, for although he was snoozing in front of a festive TV full of confusing plot holes and timey-wimy things, his robots were quite busy.

[Picture: Movie poster -- Christmas Carol]

Somebody’s got to work on Christmas

On Christmas day, 2013 (2013-12-25), there were 10,277 new postings noted by the scrapers. The majority of these (8,966) were claimed to have been posted then, although most of the rest claim a posting date of Christmas Eve (2013-12-24). There were even 35 resurrected posting, previously marked as expired.

The bulk of the Christmas postings were made by ‘CV Library (Job Warehouse Only)’, with 4,123, followed by ‘CIT’ at 2,426. Down the list dominated by Agencies/Job Warehouses one finds ‘Vicomte Bernard de Romanet Ltd’ (agent-based wine sales) with 90, and old friends ‘Kleenze’ (catalogue/agent-based household product sales) with 48. Curiously, standing out like a sore thumb, there’s ‘Nat. Apprenticeship Service’ with 48. Something for later investigation, perhaps.

The most interesting but sort-of relevant Christmas posting was by ‘Christ Apostolic Church Stockwell’ for a Youth Worker in Luton.

And so again, a belated Festive Thingy from the Archive’s disillusioned and somewhat torpid curator.

October 11, 2013

Interesting Cushty Little Number

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: , — Martin Sullivan @ 2:48 pm

These things keep being spotted, and in an addiction that’s hard to fathom, they’re posted here. Be a Chauffeur, which sounds ordinary enough, until you see the car you’re going to drive.

… looking for a character with a great sense of humour to drive an exact replica of the Reliant Regal van as seen in Only Fools and Horses … You need to be prepared to wear the costume and ‘play the part’.

“He who dares Rodney, he who dares”.

October 6, 2013

An Interest in Witchcraft

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: , — Martin Sullivan @ 12:56 pm

It’s the end of a year-quarter and it’s time for some maintenance on the Universal Jobmatch Archive. More on that later, but some reviews take place to make sure that all is going well. Sometimes some interesting stuff is tripped over in these otherwise depressing trawls through re-scraped re-postings and catalogue opportunities. How about being a Witch?

[Picture: Movie poster - Witchfinder General]

Vincent Price provides some inspiration to Jobseekers

Over the years this little publication has noted a number of Interesting Jobs in this vague theme posted, initially, on the various UK’s Department of Work and Pensions Jobcentre Plus web-sites. In fact it was the need for Christmas Elves in Penrith a few years ago that started all this. Although a variety of role-playing personages have been required and advertised though the the years, this is the very first ‘Witch’ that’s been seen.

The vacancy is based in Wookey Hole and appears genuine. It boasts what looks like a fantastic salary, but a little light investigation suggests it’s a Zero Hours effort, and you may not be one of a team. The posting is amusing at several levels, for it doesn’t have a gender opt-out, so “male, female and trans-gender Witches” are required. Considering the male equivalent to a Witch was a Warlock, or something, it’s is speculated what a trans-gender Witch would be called. It’s probable that the Daily Mail would think of something. In all instances, you’ve got to be able to cackle and not be allergic to cats. Although it doesn’t say it it’s probable that modern Witch, working with children, will require a CRB check and be aware of the appropriate Safeguarding legislation.

Update: It would appear that this position is now filled, and a national newspaper has done a little piece on both the selection process and eventual successful applicant. 2013-10-23

September 26, 2013

Be an Interesting Clown

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: , — Martin Sullivan @ 9:20 am

The Internet has made a minor celebrity of a lonely looking Clown in Northampton. Even our friends over the Atlantic spotted it. Not to be out-done, a quick query on the word ‘clown’ into the Universal Jobmatch Archive produces this:

[Picture: Movie poster - Stephen King's IT]

Not the inspiration


Duties will include entertaining at childrens parties, delivering magic shows, slap-stick humour, making balloon models and any other tasks in keeping with the role. Full training provided however applicants should have the following skills: Positive, motivated, reliable and be a confident self starter. Able to work predominantly weekends.

The real Northampton Clown seems to have a strange sense of humour, or is just a little crazy. And he’s nothing like the Pennywise character from the Steven King Movie or so he claims. The Universal Jobmatch Clown posting is for Wolverhampton, but London, Nationwide, and presumably by inference, Northampton are mentioned. Unlike a lot of things in the Archive is does actually seem to be genuine.

September 19, 2013

Interestingly Do TV in Brazil

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: , — Martin Sullivan @ 9:23 am

Work documented in the previous Blog post has liberated into the light an absolute Tripe Mine of Guff from the depths of Universal Jobmatch (UJM). Ordinarily the re-scrape re-posting Jobs Warehouse stuff wouldn’t figure in the increasingly burdensome hunt for something interesting to write about, but an exception will be made in this case.

ITV Sport are looking for an Operations Manager to cover, amongst other things, the coming World Cup in Brazil …

Be part of the excitement of some of the best sports programming on television- the World Cup Finals in Brazil and the 2015 Rugby World Cup to name but two. You will work alongside our Controller of Sport and Senior Director to operationally manage and deliver the department’s output in line with commercial and editorial expectations. This is a senior role, and you will sit on the ITV Sport management team.

This entry on Universal Jobmatch has been made by Adzuna who were also responsible for the now withdrawn Clinical Trial posting.

This vacancy actually seems real, even if it has been extensively re-posted. So, if you are interested in it, then a hunt around on the ITV web-site and their personnel department might yield better results than trying to go through the UJM poster. Or indeed, your local Jobcentre Plus Office.

September 12, 2013

Interesting Reptile House Sitting

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: , — Martin Sullivan @ 4:41 pm

There was the usual mild outrage on the parts of Twitter that cover Universal Jobmatch of late. Some agency-scraper outfit has posted a Clinical Trial ‘opportunity’ and the near-weekly Interesting post was going to be about that.

In checking that the Archive has actually captured this (and it has) this other posting was stumbled upon.

It’s for a House Sitter, a person who will live in some owners house while they’re away. The twist in this instance is that there’s animals involved, up to and including Reptiles, and possibly visiting England.

Preseli Animal Homecare, a rapidly expanding business, are looking for a house sitter to care for all types of animals in the client own home/farm/small holding on an as required basis. It is therefore essential that the successful candidate has no home, personal or social commitments as they will be staying away from their home for several days to possibly weeks at a time.

Curiously, although you’ll be living full-time in the house (one would presume) it is classified as part-time. You’ll also need to be CRB-checked and not baffled by computers, which will probably rule-out anybody who’s been working on Universal Credit lately.

August 15, 2013

Interesting Irvine Confusion

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: , — Martin Sullivan @ 12:08 pm

This ‘interesting job’ is less of a an odd-ball occupation, but more of the consequence of Universal Jobmatch’s obsession of posting scraped re-posts, presumably to enhance statistics. As we’ve seen, and chuckled, this can misfire when a spoof is posted, but the odd bizarre, probably legitimate, posting is made as well. Often these are as a result of some poor pattern-matching by the scrapee-reposter.

So we’ve a Private Wealth Advisor, supposedly in Irvine, a pleasant place in North Ayrshire. Of course it’s nothing of the sort. The actual position is in Irvine, California, equally pleasant, but in a different way, no doubt, but some distance from Brigegate:

Placement can be in one of any of the following locations: Los Angeles, Newport Beach, Irvine, and San Diego (for the Spanish speaking Advisors)

This has been posted by ‘Jobsball’ as Company Confidential, which we’ve seen can be as full of spammish posts as the category Job Warehouse, but probably doesn’t get counted in the same way.

Curious odd fact. Did you know that Scotland’s Irvine was once home to Robbie Burns, but also Edgar Allan Poe? I’ll leave the rest of the researches to you.

July 18, 2013

An Interest in Cardiology

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: — Martin Sullivan @ 5:53 pm

Every now and again a job pops up on Universal Jobmatch and one wonders why it’s there. An example has been found and it will be examined. Hull and East Yorkshire NHS are in need of a Consultant Interventional Cardiologist.

[Picture: Movie Poster -- Doctor in the House]

If not in the House at least in Hull

So, you’re an unemployed Cardiologist and you’ve just been down to the Britania House Jobcentre for your Restart Interview. Idly you go up to one of those machines with their gaudy green and purple screens and type a set of plausible things in. Out this pops; isn’t Universal Jobmatch clever.

Alternatively you could be sitting in your Trackies on a second-hand sofa watching Jeremy Kyle on ITV2 Daytime. And then, because you’ve been registered (may or not have been compulsory), you’re automatically submitted for this. What a bummer, it’s only Locum, and they’ve force you to do it ‘cos you’ll loose the Rock’n’Roll.

Well, lame attempts at satire apart, these things have been happening for a while and occurred in the old system too. The author has always viewed them as being some-kind of employment legislation box-ticking. To prove there’s a need for some position you’ve got to advertise it in plain sight, although you know that nobody from that channel will actually bother replying. Or, if they do, you can point and laugh. I’m sure they do get the odd application on lined paper in child-like block capitals in skippy blue Biro.

This postings generally appear with the scantest of technical details. It is a box-ticking exercise after all. The poster, however, has gone a little overboard, in extolling the undoubted virtues of Hull as a place to work …

A huge amount has already been spent on creating new shopping centres, waterfront living spaces, art studios, office complexes and visitor attractions such as the Kingston Communications Stadium and The Deep – the world’s only submarium.

Local housing is cheap and plentiful and “there is a fantastic selection of high-quality schools to choose from”. If that doesn’t float your boat the full-time but temporary and on-call position has a salary quoted as “74,504.00 – 100,446.00 per year”. Presumably the units are Pounds Stirling. The author thinks to himself “should a been a Doctor”, a bit late now though.

July 11, 2013

Interesting Horse Breaking

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: — Martin Sullivan @ 9:54 am

[Picture: Movie Poster -- The Horse Whisperer]

Training Horses, so you can ride them

A number of interesting jobs have been noted on Universal Jobmatch this week. The most obvious is for a pirate, an obvious spoof that was quickly removed once the Internet pointed and laughed. These spoofs do still occur, but they no longer seem to exercise the attention of the National Press as they once did. It does still say something about the ongoing screening of postings on Universal Jobmatch, which at times, seems to be the Wild West of job-listings.

Apart from this the best that one can come up with is a Horse Breaker in Wales. The posting talks in general terms about Horsemanship and indeed is styled a post for a ‘Horse Person’, but buried in the description there’s this …

You must capable of breaking horses for riding as this is a key part of the role.

Although part-time an apartment is available if required. “There are also part time office duties available if the applicant wished to top up their hours and is computer literate”.

July 4, 2013

Interestingly Coach the British Badminton Team

Filed under: Jobcentre Plus Database Mirror — Tags: — Martin Sullivan @ 3:33 pm

[Picture - Battledore and Shuttlecock]

Latterly evolved into Badminton

The National Badminton Centre are on the look-out for a National Coach as part of the Performance team. Not quite top-dog, you’ll be reporting to the Head Coach. An interesting job found on Universal Jobmatch.

The National Coach GB has delegated responsibility for the planning and delivery of training for an identified group of players and/or individual discipline at the National Badminton Centre (NBC). As well, this individual works within the National Coaching team to manage and continually develop the overall training environment and ensure the effective integration of sport science support services at the NBC.

You’ll need a proven international record of success and experience of coaching a National Team (to things like the Olympic Games), according to the somewhat lengthy heavily formatted original advert.

The ability to live in Milton Keynes is also mandated, for that’s where the august NBC is established.

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